and another...

**scott travis** · December 22nd, 2001, 01:07 AM

THE SKY WEEPS CELESTIAL BERRIES

Thou hath painted me a rosebud
And in it I can see,
Images of beauty
And immortality.

Soft and tiny was the rosebud
Stars fell from all around;
You make me feel a beauty
That with you, I have found.

You reached to grab the rosebud
To which I closed my eyes;
Dew trickled from the petals
Something glowing from inside.

You smoothed away the edges
And placed within my hand,
The dreams and thoughts of wholeness
Only you and I withstand.

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**rose** · January 14th, 2002, 05:11 AM

as much as han hates ryhming... i love it. good job!

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**Generalkaos** · January 14th, 2002, 07:29 PM

The first line has got to go. Not only is it showy and sort of pretentious, it's also wrong. "Thou hath" is not the proper conjugation. More than that, it doesn't fit in with the overall language of the piece. Also, I don't understand the last line or how it relates. I dunno. I gotta give this one the thumbs down.

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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.

**Hannibal** · January 14th, 2002, 07:44 PM

I dont know why you think i hate rhyming, becasue all my poems used to rhyme back in the day biggrin

I actually like rhymes.

As for thumbs down, I think not.
I think the first line fit, to me it didn't bother me at all, just because I've used that same phrase.
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>
Soft and tiny was the rosebud
Stars fell from all around;
You make me feel a beauty
That with you, I have found.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
That part... the last two lines didn't fit or flow for me at all, it was like just that catch that didn't work for me.

I thought it was a good poem. I give thumbs up... it's nice to see a variety of ideas that Generalkaos brings to the table...

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
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**SHATOUSHKA** · January 15th, 2002, 01:52 AM

i suppose i'll give my interpretation.
i like that much more than BSing.

to me, this girl (i assume) 'gave' this guy something special and important. she either gave it or shared it.

then, later in the 3rd stanza, she musta attempted to take it back. i saw the remaining lines of the 3rd stanza as showing his sadness at her attempt.

then, i guess, in the last stanza, she saw what 'it' meant to him and gave it back.
i suppose they are playing some sort of love game. shit, i dunno.

the last two lines wrap it up. its like saying that people often dream of having the 'wholeness' of another or the 'wholeness' associated with being with someone.
since they obviously are playing games, they cannot have this 'wholeness'.
'only you and i withstand'
they WITHSTAND the wholeness of the preceeding line.
DUH!

i certainly am not one to give this poem a thumbs up or down...after all, that would be showy and sort of pretentious.

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**rose** · January 15th, 2002, 03:10 AM

lol...shat! your last comment was commical.

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**Generalkaos** · January 16th, 2002, 12:15 AM

Far be it from me to offer a critique. I thought that's what this board was for.

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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.